


Explain The Infinite

by RosalieBlack



Category: Anne of Green Gables (TV 1985) & Related Fandoms, Anne of Green Gables - L. M. Montgomery, Anne with an E (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Sorry, apologies in advance, don't hate me, everyone is in their depths of despair, there's Joy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:28:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23882305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosalieBlack/pseuds/RosalieBlack
Summary: "He bitterly noticed he found himself in a rather ironic situation – eight years ago he had left his beloved island to chase his big dream, and he tried very hard not to admit that he wanted to nurse his aching heart too. Now he comes back to this very piece of land like the prodigal son."
Relationships: Gilbert Blythe/Anne Shirley, Royal "Roy" Gardner/Anne Shirley
Comments: 24
Kudos: 46





	Explain The Infinite

**Author's Note:**

> This is one-shot inspired by Sleeping At Last music and the title is from their song "Saturn".  
> Apologies for broken hearts in advance, I'm not gonna lie, I cried writing this. 
> 
> Stay safe!

Dr. Blythe closed his book, leaving a piece of paper to mark the page where he had stopped reading. He bitterly noticed he found himself in a rather ironic situation – eight years ago he had left his beloved island to chase his big dream, and he tried very hard not to admit that he wanted to nurse his aching heart too. Now he comes back to this very piece of land like the prodigal son.

It was early afternoon when the train arrived at the Bright River train station. He was the only one leaving his truck, so after three carefully measured steps he stood on the platform, his luggage following. It was a fine pinewood and cow leather chest with his name _G.J. Blythe_ engraved on the front fitting. A goodbye gift from Winnie and quite an expensive one.

He looked around almost blinded by sunrays and a fair amount of shades of green. Gilbert marked the white petals of strong cherry tree on the other side of the tracks. At that moment when he was looking at the veil-like cover of the tree, he felt a familiar sting in his chest that appeared whenever his thoughts followed the path to memories of a certain red-headed girl. No matter how hard he had tried to erase Anne Shirley-Cuthbert from his mind, from his dreams, it never happened. Copper-haired dryad still possessed the key to his bleeding heart and he still loved her like it was as natural as breathing.

“Blythe!” he heard the thick, Trinidadian accent that couldn’t be mistaken at any point. Only seconds later Bash approached him with the biggest grin he had ever seen. “Nothin’ changed, you still look like a wet chicken!”

But for Gilbert everything changed. He had left with the hope of becoming someone worthy attention, someone, who could truly make a difference. He came back with guilt that he disappointed every single person he cared about. Anne, when he crawled into her on that night after exams to confess his feelings and doubts. The Roses, when he didn’t propose to Winnifred as expected. Mary, when he was so close to choosing marriage of convenience instead of love. And finally, his father, when he selfishly left his family to fill his hunger for success.

“Good to see you, brother, too” he said with a slight smile that didn’t reach his eyes. They took his chest and headed to Blythe’s old buggy.

“I can’t hear your British accent. Have you spent the whole eight years overseas to come back and not even care to pretend that you can talk like a royal?” Bash made a joke and the young doctor just shrugged his shoulders too occupied with his mind.

Then his brother said something about Delphine and horses, but Gilbert couldn’t focus on the meaning of all those words. The older man either hadn’t noticed his quiet attitude or missed him too much to be silent for the whole ride from Bright River to the Orchard.

“I hope that Hazel has some mercy on me and kept leftovers from the breakfast” he spoke, hoping that a small talk would stop his thoughts from spiraling.

“Brother, she is making three-course supper especially for you” Bash laughed wholeheartedly, slowing the black horse on the hill. From that point white crowns of the apple trees’, old and new ones, were a sight for his sore eyes. Gilbert exhaled not aware he was holding his breath for some time.

Before they gained the house, a young boy had jogged to the buggy, looking very distressed. Lacroix glared at him with confusion, Blythe had a similar expression on his face.

“Are you dr. Blythe?” the boy asked shyly. “Mrs. Baker sent me to fetch dr. Blythe, sir.”

“And can’t this wait until dr. Blythe will be settled in his own house?” Bash stopped the boy, annoyed, not letting him speak again. “Dr. Carter won’t be retired till the end of the next week.”

Gilbert watched the encounter silently, not being able to formulate even a word. He heard his brother muttering something about ill-mannered and spoilt people, interrupting the doctor’s incoming supper. He clearly spent way too much time in Mrs. Lynde company.

“Dr. Carter is out of town and Mrs. Gardner isn’t feeling well, so Mrs. Baker sent me for dr. Blythe” the boy explained, aiming his words in Blythe’s direction, not minding Bash’s presence in the buggy.

His brother’s expression changed into something he couldn’t decipher and without a second of hesitation Lacroix gave the reins over to him, jumping out of the carriage.

“Then you must go” the older man said, as the boy settled in his former place next to Gilbert. “Pass my regards on to Mrs. Gardner.”

Young Blythe followed the boy’s instructions on how to get to the Gardners too overwhelmed by the whole situation to ask about any details. He tried to remember where he had placed his medical instruments in the wooden chest. The boy didn’t talk much and jumped out of his place the moment they reached Gardner’s property.

The house was big, definitely new as he didn’t recall any building standing on this part of land. He stopped the buggy when a farmhand, probably one of the Baynard brothers, approached him to tie up the horse. Gilbert quickly retrieved his medical bag from the depths of his chest and headed to the house. Everything looked like a fairytale castle. Freshly cut grass, colorful flowers spilled all over the front garden, looking like a meadow. Definition of sunbursts and marble halls.

He was wrong about marble halls though. He stepped inside, rushed by Mrs. Baker whom he had met when he was still a kid. Inside the house was much more modest than he expected. And much warmer. There were paintings on the walls, similar to those Mrs. Stacy did with potatoes in her home. Something made this place extraordinary, it was like a house of dreams.

“It’s a blessing that I’d met Rachel Lynde on my way from the town today” Mrs. Baker forced him to take off his light coat and sit down. “I’ll look for Mr. Gardner.”

“No need searching for me, Susan” a male timbre was heard just behind Gilbert’s back. Before he had the opportunity to turn around, the tall, dark-haired and handsome man stood in front of him with a hand extended in a greeting. On the other arm he had a black, small cat. “I’m Roy Gardner and this is Penelope, my wife’s cat. We’re really thankful that you came, doctor. You’ll be paid well.”

Roy Gardner moved forward, not waiting for Gilbert, so he took long steps to catch up his pace. They headed to the back of the house and young doctor felt a sudden urge to say something.

“Umm, that’s a mouthful of a name for a cat” he blurred, feeling like an idiot. Mr. Gardner had a similar attitude to the Roses, and again Gilbert experienced the familiar sensation of not fitting in a place.

“My wife loves great words” Roy chuckled lightly, sending him a friendly smile as he gestured towards the door. “She’s more of the bride of adventure than my bride actually.”

He froze in place, hearing that particular sentence forgotten for long years. He had no time adjusting to the situation as Mr. Gardner entered the room, leaving the door open for him. For couple of seconds he wasn’t able to move a single muscle in his tired body. Could it be her?

“You spoiled her again with the leftovers from the tea, didn’t you, Royal? Soon she’ll be as chubby as I am.”

Soft, feminine voice reached his ears, ringing inside of his head like a church bells. He followed the angelic sound, being under some kind of spell, and invited himself inside. He clutched his hand tightly to his bag in the hope that his work routine will provide him a cold shower.

“Forgive me interruption, Mrs. Gardner-“ And cold shower indeed it was. “Anne?!”

For a prolonged moment he felt the floor shifting under his feet. It was like the ground was ready to open and swallow him whole, burying him six feet under or, worse, in the depths of hell. He thought how the sky was about to fall onto his head, how blood in his veins was about to overflow his heart, sinking it completely. Nothing around him was steady.

He didn’t hear her response, but there was a smile on her face, both happy and sad at once. He hoped that everything happening inside him stayed there, not showing on his face. He tried to collect himself and put on his professional face, building a wall between them. Then Penelope left her owner’s lap and he noticed roundness of Anne’s belly.

“I guess I’m needed here” he spoke after he had taken a few calming breaths.

Anne explained to him the matter of their concern – it was their first child, she was about seven months pregnant and she’s been feeling unwell for a week now. As for someone who loved big words she gave him the exact amount of necessary information in a short extract.

He knew touching her bump the way he did was everything but professional. Under his fingers he felt the baby's movement as if it was greeting him. He didn’t dare to look up in her eyes, but if he had looked, he would have seen the glimpse of affection that was reserved only for him.

“Anne glows when you’re visiting her” Roy said a few weeks later while they had the tea in the garden. His tone wasn’t aggressive or jealous, if anything, it was melancholic. Gilbert felt a great amount of bitter unfairness. He should be the sad, broken one. It was Roy who married Anne, whose child she’s having under her heart. And even with the opportunity given to him on a plate, the young doctor couldn’t force himself to hate Roy.

He had seen that Anne changed when he was around. During their first meeting after eight years she was closed up, a wave of sadness washed over her and it was noticeable. Against his sanity he decided to visit her as often as possible, full of hope to rebuild their friendship. And it was clear that she was becoming old, fierce self. She talked more and more, encouraged by Gilbert and sometimes they shared passionate arguments that eventually were forbidden by Gilbert himself when he had discovered that her blood pressure jumped higher than it was safe for her.

Roy was present, but more like a ghost, a shadow creeping behind them. Neither of them minded when he was closing himself in his office for long hours. Sometimes Gilbert just wanted to punch him in the face – he had everything, _everything_ Gilbert dreamt of – and he was so careless about it. He didn’t treasure Anne the way Blythe would, he didn’t even say he loved her. In their odd ways Royal’s affections were always distant, almost _platonic_.

At this point the young doctor didn’t really care about gossips or propriety. He spent most of his free hours in Anne’s bedroom where she was ordered to bed rest until the day of the labor. He cherished every moment in her company as he knew that shortly after the delivery his work will be done and she won’t need him anymore. Her loneliness will be filled with the presence of a brand-new person that they all were so excited to meet.

Reaching the staircase he wondered if Roy ever had said hello to his baby as Gilbert said every day. In his perfect world where Anne could have left Roy without any obstacles he was sure he could love this child as his own. Because it was part of Anne. And he loved every single ounce of her.

“Anne what happened? Are you unwell?” panic flooded over him as he heard her silently crying in her room. He sat on the edge of the bed, watching as she dried her tears with her sleeves. He left the door open wide, knowing that neither Roy nor Mrs. Baker will come upstairs until supper.

She didn’t speak for a long time, caressing her belly in silence. She looked at him, eyes full of tears, when he reached for her hand. Even though she has been constantly visited by the Lacroix, Diana and her husband, her own family, there was such a great amount of sadness inside her eyes that it had scared Gilbert.

“I’m such a selfish person” she explained plainly and he had to do everything to prevent himself from crossing the line of a scandalous behavior. “Roy knows I couldn’t love him the way he wants me to and despite that he’s my great friend. I tried- I tried to change my heart, but I really couldn’t Gil. I tried to imagine that I love him more than a friend and even my vivid imagination failed me. Now we’re here and I’m feeding myself on your kindness-“

“There’s no one for me but you, Anne, and you know that” he stopped her, desperately wanting to kiss away all of her tears. “It has nothing to do with kindness.”

“I was so stupid, Gil. So, so stupid. I was scared of loving you, destroying everything that we had, but I did it anyway. I destroyed everything and I’m sorry. Will you ever forgive me?” she asked, fiddling with her quilt.

His heart was heavy at the moment. If only he was more patient with her, their lives could be different now. He cursed himself for giving up on her so quickly, and cowardly leaving continent to hide away. He hated every moment he considered moving on with Winnifred. He simply despised himself for courting her while he still had his chance with Anne. Worst of all, he wasn’t clear enough in expressing his feelings, he let her think he hadn't loved her.

“There’s nothing to forgive. And if you think opposite, then you should forgive me too” he answered honestly.

“I just have one wish, Gil. If something happens to me, promise me, that you will make sure my child will be loved. I want them to have somewhere, someone to belong to.” She sniffled placing her small hand on his cheek, rubbing it gently. Then he realised, he had cried too. He bitterly thought how it was Roy’s responsibility and yet he was happy to replace him in that obligation.

“Nothing will happen to you, I promise” he said with force in his voice.

He threw away all his concerns about maintaining propriety and shifted closer to her, like a magnet. Gilbert carefully wrapped his arms around her shoulders and Anne hid her face in his chest, her breathing slowed.

“The universe works in mysterious ways... I’m so glad I’ve met you, Gilbert Blythe. I’m also overjoyed to have you back in my life. Having this kind of certainty and peace I have now, I could die a happy woman.”

The universe really works in completely random ways known only for those above. Choosing another day for his confession could lead them straight down the aisle. He could have been on Roy’s place, showering his beautiful, glowing wife with love and attention. There could have been a house by the ocean, a house of dreams, a child, or even more than one. Some decisions led all three of them to their silent suffering.

Eventually he had her in his arms, he had known she loved him. Gilbert was happy to have her as a friend than not to have her at all. When he saw her at first, after all those years, he couldn’t bear the thought of her sharing her bed with a man, a man that wasn’t him. But now he was sure, he could and would love her from afar.

“It appears to me that you have your calamitous romance after all” Gilbert chuckled and finally Anne was laughing too. He couldn’t help but placed a feather-like peck on her forehead.

“Would you like to spell it for the old times sake?” she asked playfully.

He rushed his horse from the train station straight to the Gardners. He didn’t care if it was too early in the morning, but he needed to check on Anne. She was so close to her due date and he'd promised, he’ll be there with her when the time comes. He left to Charlottetown two days ago to cover for doctor Ward and he already regretted this decision.

He should be in Avonlea, ready for any signal of a new life coming to town. Instead, he foolishly went away with a single warning. He told Anne he has to go, but the truth was he needed a break to sort the things in his mind. She still felt guilty about Roy and he started to feel that way too. It was very unfair to him that they kept being so close to each other under his roof.

Upon his arrival at the Gardners he knew something had happened. There was his father’s old buggy along with two other carriages. He left his horse, not bothering to tie him up. He ran to the house, only to find it oddly silent. Did he miss the birth? He walked to the staircase, noticing his and Anne’s families in the parlor, but no one saw him. He was halfway to her room when someone pulled on his shoulder pressing him to the wall.

“She begged for you the whole night!” It was Roy, looking like he was just about to faint. He was exhausted, but still had more strength than Gilbert thought. “Go, look, what you’ve done to her!”

He hadn’t a chance to get to Anne’s room as doctor Carter stood in front of him.

“It was a breech baby” he said with sympathy in his voice. “Mrs. Gardner passed away earlier this morning. I’m sorry.”

He pushed older man away and stormed to the room where young maid was collecting the sheets and the towels. A heavy lump settled in his throat as he looked at the linen, there was way too much blood for a safe delivery. He slowly approached Anne’s bed, barely seeing anything through tears. She looked as if she was sleeping peacefully. He traced his fingertips over her sweated forehead, brushing away soft, copper curls.

It must be a dream - a nightmare. He pinched himself painfully, a few times, hoping that he’ll wake up soon. He was in a trance completely unable to leave Anne’s side, waiting for her to open her eyes and tell him it’s a cruel joke. Was the universe, were the stars, that merciless that it gave him her love only to take her whole being away? Was this punishment for his improperness, his unfairness towards Roy? Was his loving God, he prayed to so many times, that brutal?

He placed his lips on hers for the first and the last time, tasting tears on her cold skin. He imagined she would smile at that very moment. _I could die a happy woman._ She knew he have loved her. He knows she loved him.

A soft whimpering from behind the door forced him to say his final goodbye and leave Anne’s side for good. He came in to the next room, where Roy was sitting on his chair, trembling terribly.

“I held her hand” he said through tears. “I told her that we both, you and I, love her.”

His cries were followed by another, softer ones. Gilbert found himself standing next to the crib where a newborn was placed. He picked the baby up carefully, not wanting to interrupt their sleep.

“It’s a girl” Roy’s voice was emotionless, he didn’t even look at his child. “Joyce.”

 _Little Joy_ , he thought. Then she opened her eyes, and he placed a kiss on her ghostly pale cheek.

Hours after her mother Joyce Gardner died in Gilbert Blythe’s arms, knowing very well that she was loved.


End file.
